i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
