That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
