He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
