My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You are a genius and a whore.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize