made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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