shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
