And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
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