Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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