Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
