yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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