4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
