Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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