i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
