Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
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