I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
