Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
