I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
