I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Randomize
