I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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