im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
