Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
