I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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