this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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