Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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