who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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