Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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