he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
