The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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