I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
