Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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