really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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