Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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