Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
