where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
