i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
we're so committed to being not committed
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
