Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
