at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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