I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
