Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
