Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
