When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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