The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
