Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
