I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
