He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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