I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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