apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
