i think my tv is drunk
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
