I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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