I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
