The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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