my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
