it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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