If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
