I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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