Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Randomize
