I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Randomize