Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
