They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
