i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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