I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
