Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
