Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
