If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
