just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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